Pardon my mumblings...
If there is one thing that is absolutely alienating, It's probably Christmas it'self here. Since I moved away from my family, Christmas has a very different atmosphere for me and I'm at best lukewarm about the changes. My own family always treated Christmas with lots of energy and always made a big deal about it. My mom would spend countless hours on the tree alone, not even counting the rest of the event. Lots of decorating, lots more attention to details and whatnot. More people, it was a full family get together, most importantly, with people I know. It feels strange knowing I won't see them this time.
Now I'm with a family that is much more lax, Instead of a get together with 7+ people it's now only 4, So no matter what it's going to feel smaller. It just.... feels like something major is missing, a spirit for the holidays. Maybe it's just the artist in me but I tend to be much more emotionally invested in holidays than the rest of his family, which is a little frustrating that we don't see eye to eye there. I have this need to emotionally open up but in a way... I'm getting greeted to closed doors if that makes sense. Even Markus is a bit guilty of "not quite getting it", as he sees it as more strictly materialistic.
The biggest alienating thing though, is I am basically celebrating with people I just don't know that well. They don't know me, and I don't know them well enough to really connect.
I can't give more meaningful or emotionally impacting gifts like I usually prefer, because of the emotional disconnect and it causes and awkwardness in the air of the entire get together.
I dunno, just wrapping the gifts this year didn't give me the usual excitement it normally does. Knowing that there's nothing special about the gifts, just kind of bums me out. Of course, the gifts we got MY family this year feel a lot more impactful than what we did for HIS parents.
I am particularly excited this year because despite everything I just said, me and his parents did manage to team up to give something "bigger" to Markus than what he would normally get.
If I'm lucky, maybe this is the start of connecting with them a bit better. I'm more exited about him getting his gift than anything else this year. Knowing we had to team up to get it to him, I know will mean something to him. (By this point, interactions with his parents weren't exactly known for going very smoothly)
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